I have taken it upon myself to bestow a new “honor” once a month to an individual who I feel has hit a new low for humanity, the Douche Award. Winners of a “Douchie” represent the most obnoxious, selfish, thoughtless and thoroughly repulsive people I have encountered over the last month.
And now for this Month’s “winner”. Congratulations Abby Toll, of Boulder Colorado!
When the stress of the office gets to be too much for me, I like to take a moment and ask myself, what would Les Stroud, host of Discovery Channel’s “Survivorman” do?
· Seek Shelter – In an office environment, you may not always know which direction danger will come from. That’s why it is important to create a secure shelter. An abandoned conference room may seem ideal, but they often have no windows and only a single entrance, which means if you were attacked, you would be trapped. A better idea is to pull some crappy artwork off the wall and use it as a cube roof. This way you are protected from the elements, but can escape over the back wall if you need to.
· Make clothing – to survive the torrential BS of an office environment, the proper clothing is essential, and the most important clothing of all, is your footwear. Fortunately, the office is full of useful materials. A laptop case and a roll of packing tape will make a serviceable pair of waterproof boots.
· Forage – At first glance, the office environment may seem totally inhospitable to life. Look closer though, and you’ll find you can survive here, if you know what to look for. Food sources can vary greatly by season. In winter, conference rooms can be a good source for catering leftovers. The rest of the year however, you’re better off looking for wild edibles. “Lucky Bamboo” grows wild here, and the tender shoots are not only packed with nutrients, but delicious as well. Roses are also good to eat, but watch out for thorns. Filing cabinets, especially those of the female office drone, are also a good resource. Then there is the cafeteria. Many a would-be survivor has been tempted to just buy food, or steal it from a break room refrigerator, but in reality, that is the worst thing you could do. Breakrooms and cafeterias are major gathering spots for office predators. I was on a survival retreat at Geico with a young man who tried to buy a hot pocket. We never saw him again. Avoid cafeterias and breakrooms if you want to live.
· Find Water – Humans can live for weeks without food, but only a couple of days without water. Since cafeterias and breakrooms are not an option, and bathrooms are just as bad, that leaves digging. Luckily, most office buildings maintain potted plants or even trees. You’ll want to avoid any surface water in these containers – it is undoubtedly tainted with fertilizer, discarded gum, and layer upon layer of quiet despair and crushed dreams. Instead, dig down a few inches and save the water that collects.
· Build a Fire – Although the climate of the office environment means a fire is usually not necessary for warmth, it can have a big psychological impact and give you the boost you need to keep going. In a survival situation, that could be the difference between life and death. I’ve found office supply rooms to be the best source of tinder. Binders, legal pads and even toner make it much easier to get the fire going. Use paper clips and a laptop battery as an ignition source. In offices that meet national fire safety codes, building a fire can also be an effective way to gather water, just be sure you have a secure shelter first (see above).
· Play Harmonica – Another psychological boost, and it may keep some predators away too.
· Signal for Rescue – The most important thing when signaling a rescue party is to be prepared. Keep a stack of damp procedural binders on hand to throw on the fire to create a smoke signal, or polish the semi-reflective surface of a blackberry or other cell phone and use it to get a search and rescue team’s attention. If all else fails, send an email to me and I’ll come pick you up.
My daughter asked me that question shortly after turning thirteen (and acquiring the commensurate level of teen angst the age implies). We were just sitting there watching a show about submerged freshwater caves, so the question caught me a little off guard. I stumbled through it as best I could with a quasi-reassuring “No, of course not, there’s plenty of things that don’t suck.” or something like that. I don’t think she bought it, and when I thought more about it later, neither did I. Admittedly I have a habit of what my wife calls “nostalgizing” the past and remembering everything as one great big happy, and maybe I was just in a negative mood, what with the caves and all (damn caves!) but as I sat there thinking about it, as far as the world outside my own little family bubble was concerned, everything just seemed to, well, suck. I don’t want to get into specifics too much because then I start with the unending “When I was a kid…” litany which nobody really wants to hear. It's just depressing to see my kids growing up in a world so different than the one I had. Hmm.. I bet my parents would say that too now that I think of it.
A new restaurant is coming to town and they posted a contest on the local newspaper to give it a name. Here are my thoughts on the entries so far:
Suggested Name: Makes me think:
63 Central - Sounds like a gas station
Athena’s Cuisine - Issa Bund-t?
Awaken - No comment (My wife submitted this one)
Bent International - It's a joke right?
Boju - I had a cat named Boju once. He disappeared. Mystery solved I guess.
Bolo Grille - Hip. I like it. (I did this one) I've since learned this is the name of Bobby Flay's restaurant in New York. I guess I knew that already. Doh!!
Bravo on Broadway - No encore here.
Broadview Grille - A lump of dog poo called, it wants its imagination back.
Broadway Bistro - How about Broadway kiss my ass.
Broadway Horizon - Bad association witha local day care. Uh uh.
Charlie Jordan’s - And he is…?
CityScape - Great, if you drive a batmobile.
Downtown - I guess you could always go here when you're alone and life is making you lonely.
Duexes - I can't even say this word.
Fresh Creations - Might get sued by Mentos.
Granite - Might as well call it Marble, or Drywall, or Stucco (ooh I like that one)
Grata - Sophisticated, worldly, yet grateful. I like it.
Gus’ - You're going to make your staff say this every time they answer the phone? You sir are evil.
Haute - Paris submitted this one.
Incredible Edibles - Lame lame lame lame lame. This is what you call your baked goods booth, not your restaurant.
International Crossroads - Go home Mr. 7 syllables.
Malloy’s - Bob Malloy? He owes me $20!
Med City Bar & Grille - Because hospitals make me hungry.
Mystique - Weird scaly blue chick from x-men. I would never order the fish.
Native - Native what? Native dumbass?
Nosh - Oy.
Passport - To what? Paradise? Great Savings? Salmonella?
Radcliffy’s - I will pay not to have it named this.
Razzies on Broadway - Tuesday is free nipple tassel night.
Restaurant Avant Guarde - If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.
Romeo’s - I will bring you your fettuccini and then make passionate love to you atop it!
Silvers - Hi ho.
The Bacchus on Broadway (means God of Wine) - Bacchus - god of weenies.
The Downtown Crown - Can you add "clown" to that somewhere?
The Overlook - Overlooking half your order. Great.
Twist of Taste - Sounds painful
Vinny’s International Twist - I don't want Vinny twisting anywhere near my food.
Windows on Broadway - Like MS Windows. Expensive, slow, and annoying.
